I Fuckin' Love You Guys....

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Bring it on, 2006!

2005 was a Dickens of a year - the best of times & the worst of times.

My daughter was born at the end of May, and my brother died the beginning of November.

I know there were lots of other important things that went on, like war, earthquakes, tsunamis, more war, hurricanes, etc - but those were certainly the high & low points for me. I guess it will go down in the story of my life as a year in which I felt a lot of things. Great joy...great pain. I've also been thinking a lot of things. Will I be a good father? Could I have prevented my brother from killing himself? Why does the world seem to be increasingly full of hate? How can I stop this baby from crying? Why do people kill each other in the name of god? Do I really like what I do for a living? How can Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton be popular? What the fuck is going on, anyway?

I am afraid that I don't have the strength of my convictions. I consider everything sooo carefully, at the expense of action. I like to think that I am an empathetic guy - I can always see both sides of any argument. Unfortunately, this often prevents me from taking sides, and I end up feeling, and thinking, and not really acting. Or, at least, not as much as I want to.

I don't mean to whinge - I have been very successful, and have lots of very great friends, and a lovely wife, and a beautiful daughter, and I live in a great house, eat well, drink much too well, and have most of the things that I want. But somehow, tonight, it doesn't feel like enough. I haven't done enough. I can do so much more.

A few months before my brother killed himself, he sent me a quote from Nelson Mandela:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be?
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are born to manifest the glory of the spirit that is within us, and as we let our own light shine, we actually unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

That has been haunting me, for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I know that it's true - for me, anyway. And because my brother was struggling with this sort of thing, and then he checked himself out. That's fucked me up quite a bit.

But in this New Year, I really, really want to "manifest the glory of the spirit" that's inside of me. As much as I hate trying to make New Years resolutions - I know that I need to ease up on the feeling and thinking a little bit, and start letting that little voice inside me direct me more.

That little voice constantly tells me to love everyone, without reservation or judgement, to try my best at everything, and then to try harder.

Wish me luck.


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