I Fuckin' Love You Guys....

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Tyranny of Distance

I was always very close to my younger brother, even though since I left home at 17 I've always lived at least a thousand miles from him (and usually much, much further). We didn't get to see each other often - a few days every few years - but we always managed to keep up a running conversation via e-mail, online chatting, and at least one long, funny phone call each month. He was the closest person in my life.

I was the best man at his wedding, and I love his wife - she is smart, and funny, and kind, and everything I could have wanted for my brother. Their two boys, who are about 4 and 3 years old now, are typical boisterous fun little kids, and I love them (from afar), too.

When he killed himself, I felt wrecked (to put it lightly). But with a beautiful baby girl to take care of, and a lovely wife to support (and support me), and a new house, and an important job....I've got too many things going on (and going for me) to fall apart completely.

But too often lately, I have been calling my sister-in-law (at odd hours, due to the 14 or 14 hour time difference) and I'm afraid I've been bothering her. She's been through a lot, and is managing to raise my nephews, and stay sane, and she is going out with a new guy, and basically trying to go on with her life. And these little chats with me are probably painful for her, and not very satisfying for me, either. I think I'm probably reaching out to her because I used to reach out to Mike, and even though he isn't there anymore, that's his family.

I don't know what the hell I'm blathering on about...I just feel sad.


At 5:19 PM, Blogger Kara said...

shit. I had no idea... then I checked your archives and realized you had written about it before you and I 'met'. You've been through so much... I wish there were something I could say or do that would make sense/ help right now.


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