IFLYG

I Fuckin' Love You Guys....

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Yoyo! Let's give her a big hand....

Thank you ladies and gentlemen – it’s great to be back here at the Comedy Crib. How are you all doing today? What a great looking crowd! It’s especially nice to see all the newborns in the audience…I haven’t seen this much drool in one place since my Daddy gave up his subscription to the Playboy Channel…I tease the newborns –because they’re helpless….seriously though, I haven’t played such a toothless crowd since I did that show in Buford, Alabama…

Speaking of teething – if I seem a little out of sorts today, folks, it’s because I’m pretty sure I’m sprouting some frickin’ tusks up here…anybody else teething? I just don’t understand it…if we need teeth, why aren’t we just born with the damn things? It’s not as if we all came out like smooth little balls, and then started growing arms & legs and whatnot…although I’m sure the Mommies here wish we would have…am I right, Mommies? Teething is a bitch…as soon as I get these fangs in, I am gonna do some serious biting…

Who do we have here this afternoon? What’s your name, sir? Yeah, you – the chubby gentleman in the blue onesie – what’s your name? “Gah”? How are you doing today, Gah? What’s that shit all over the front of your suit, buddy? Did somebody spill that on you, or is that a DIY job? Hey, seriously though, it looks great on you…it makes you look a lot younger. Whoops – can we get a fresh nappy up here? I think this kid just shat himself…

Is this thing on? (taps mic) What is this, naptime? These are the jokes, kids!

Hey, what’s the deal with nursery rhymes? Have you ever really listened to these things? Who came up with these stories, anyway? Honestly: a small spider crawls up a drainpipe, gets washed back down by the rain, and starts back up again. That’s it. That’s the whole saga. Who wrote this piece of material, Shakespeare? And it’s not enough that the story is lame; they want you to do the thing with your hands over and over and over….do you ever get the feeling that they’re just trying to keep us busy? Trying to tire us out? Keep us too busy to figure out what’s really going on? There’s a conspiracy afoot, my friends…you gotta wonder what these adults are up to…

Hey listen, folks – my Mommy’s giving me that look, so I think my time’s just about up. You’ve been a great crowd, thanks a lot! Have a great afternoon, enjoy the rest of the show! Try the pureed veal!

3 Comments:

At 4:45 AM, Blogger Kara said...

beautiful AND funny? Oh, you are SO in for it, my friend.

 
At 6:18 AM, Anonymous MetroDad said...

Hahaha!!! Hilarious, dude. I loved it. Great idea.

And she's a beauty too! Love the teeth.

 
At 7:39 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Hahaha! Comedy gold! You could be the first standup comedian for the under 5's.

 

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