I Fuckin' Love You Guys....

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ennui? Oui!

Lately, it seems like the state of the world has gotten me down a bit, and I haven't been able to come up with anything clever to blog about.

The wars in Iraq & Afghanistan, the increasingly strident tone and nuclear ambitions of Iran & North Korea, the worst drought in living memory here in Australia, global warming, the general cluelessness of the big Western governments - it seems like everything is going to hell in a handbasket.

And work is just so busy that I think it will be impossible for me to ever really get my head around everything going on, so I just do the best I can and hope that I am prioritising well enough that it won't get too ugly....

And last week my brother would have turned 40, and next week is the first anniversary of his suicide.

So I've been a bit mopey, and introspective - and I am acutely aware that it was my New Years' resolution to quit doing that. I'm like a vinyl record with a scratch on it - the needle always gets stuck in that one groove.

Yoyo is developing at an astonishing pace - she is just this awesome little girl now: she talks with us, and plays games with us, and plays her little jokes, and sings to herself, and has definite opinions on what she wants to wear, and interacts with us on a new level just about every week. It's easy to forget about the world and all it's problems when there's this cherub-faced little being tugging on my pants leg with sticky hands demanding juice and a biscuit.

But after she goes to bed, and the dishes are put away, and the house gets quiet, I watch the news or surf the web, and my thoughts start weighing me down again. War. Pestilence. Ignorance. Greed. Hatred. Fear. Loss. I go to sleep, and the morning is a well-choreographed blur of showers and breakfasts and getting dressed and packing lunches and hitting the road. Work starts early, and the mornings are usually too busy for any deep thinking, but by noon I just want to be out of there. By the time I leave in the afternoon I feel like a frazzled wreck, and my heart aches with my desire to be with my little girl.

Luckily, the office is only about 5 minutes away from child-care. On those occassional days when traffic is busy, my tolerance for other drivers is at a very low ebb. You people are dim-witted obstacles keeping me from my daughter! When I get there, I bound up the stairs two at a time, and she always, always sees me before I see her. "DADDY!" She runs across the room to meet me at the child-proof gates, and demands to be picked up, and we give each other fierce hugs, and I gotta tell you, internet, those little hands around my neck are saving my sanity.

I usually bring work home, but I never do any of it. Instead we go and play on the swings, and we dig in the sandpit, and we go down the plastic slide together (because she's afraid to go by herself, but she likes it when Daddy goes with her), and we pat dogs, and go for ice cream, and on the way home she picks up rocks or pieces of trash along the way and hands them to me very proudly. I make dinner while she runs around the house. She eats first, and then it's bathtime with Mommy, and then we all play around for a little while until Yoyo starts getting tired. Then it's a walk around the block in the pram, and off to bed, and the house gets quiet again.

Writing this, I wonder if the world is really getting me down, or if it's just that nothing in the world can compare to those crazy few hours I get to spend with my 18-month-old little friend each day.


At 6:07 AM, Anonymous MetroDad said...

I know exactly how you're feeling these days, my friend. Having a bit of it here as well. Those little arms around your neck really are great therapy, aren't they? Chin up, man!

At 7:52 PM, Blogger Afe said...

Yes! Grow a mow! That will cheer you up.

Rally all your friends! Moustache men unite!


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